February is the month of Valentine’s Day and love. This is also the month that my dad passed away 6 years ago and I still can’t believe it’s been 6 years. I don’t take much time to think about my dad often because it’s usually out of sight out of mind. Plus, tears and crying take a lot of time and energy, so it’s easier just to ignore the emotion. But, I’d like to actually feel and process through it because I think this is something healthy that I do for myself.
From February 1st till Valentine’s Day on February 14th the day that my family and I buried my dad, I posted a memory or something fun about my dad on social media. I plan to be vulnerable and raw in some of the posts. This is also to encourage some of you to share about your deceased loved one or perhaps know that I’m here to support others who have lost a loved one. This month, I’m going to be intentional about reaching out and show some love to friends that have also lost their parents because I know it can be a lonely road.
Day 1
I’ll start off with a more light hearted story. My dad is a #girldad even though he would like a boy to carry on his name. When I was born, he wanted to name me Raymond Jr. He never got his Junior, but I have more of my dad’s personality than my mom’s. I think my sister is more like my mom. Before I was born, my dad wanted to name me Angel, but my mom on the other hand thought the name was too literal. That’s how they compromised on the name Angie. Also, my mom’s boss suggested it naming me after Angie Dickenson, a famous actress back in the days. I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t know who she was. That’s how I got the name Angie, which means angelic. I’m not sure if I live up to my name, but my dad is my angel in heaven. He’s watching over me now.
Day 2
Today marks the 6th year anniversary of my dad’s passing. This morning, I had the chance to visit my dad at the cemetery and bring him a box of See’s chocolates and a dozen red roses.
My dad was a simple person to gift for Father’s Day and his birthday. I always knew to give him a box of See’s candy with nutty chocolates, which made my job easy. I opened a box of chocolate and ate a piece of nutty chocolates in honor of my dad. I also had a chance to share this box of chocolates with friends I saw at church today. Like what Forrest Gump says, “Life is a box of chocolates; you never know what you going to get.”
It was a beautiful day and I could see the Golden Gate Bridge clearly from the cemetery. Usually, the fog is covering bridge and San Francisco, but not today. The weather was perfect for my dad. Also, this is a sign that the San Francisco 49ers will win the Super Bowl. If they win, it’ll be a great celebration not only for the 49ers, but also for my dad. He would have loved to see them win the Super Bowl. He was a Bay Area sports fan. He loved to watch the Warriors, Oakland A’s, SF Giants, Raiders, and 49ers. I only watched sports with him. We always made bets on which team would win and watch the Bay Area teams together. It was always fun watching games because money was at stake. I stood in front of his head stone and had a conversation about sports and the Super Bowl with him. Today, I place my bets on the 49ers. We don’t have to fight over which team will win this time and we can both place bets on the same team. Cheers to you dad and Go Niners!
On a side note: The Niners lost the Super Bowl. None the less, it was a good game.
Day 3
Grief has been a journey. When I look back, I was surviving until the 1st year to find a new normal. I was in a deep haze after my dad passed away and wondered when the cloud over my head would go away. Everyone had asked me the question, “How are you? How’s your mom and sister?” Those were the 2 questions that I didn’t like and always replied, “I’m ok and they’re ok too.” But really, I was not ok. I knew people cared about me, but it didn’t feel like they really cared. Why would they always ask the same questions week after week? At that time, I didn’t know what I needed or how I could help myself get out of grief. I was a lost soul.
I barely survived the first year after my dad passed and it wasn’t until I joined a grief support group called GriefShare Support Group a year later that I found strength to get out of the darkness and find hope. Phoebe invited me to join her, but we never went together. This group helped me to find my voice again where I was able to share without judgment. When I join the group, I listened and observed most of the time to the other group participants. We watched videos of how to process through the grief journey and shared about how we were doing. I felt like I could connect in this group because we had something in common. This was a way for me to reconnect with my friends again and not be annoyed with the how are you and how’s your mom and sister question. I’m thankful Phoebe for inviting me to Grief Share and for my Grief Share group. I’d recommend this group to anyone who’s struggling with lost.
Day 4
Today marks the day that friends and family officially said good-bye to my dad 6 years ago at his memorial service. Also, today is also word cancer day, so it’s a day to remember. My dad died of lung cancer in a short month and a half after being diagnosed.
I remembered this day to be one of the hardest days of my life. We set the memorial date close to the day my dad passed away because my sister was in town, so we put all the details together in a day. Being the oldest child, I remembered having to be strong for my family to support my sister and mom. I felt like I had to hold it all together, but I was falling apart inside. I have a hard time remembering what actually happened that day because it was all a blur (tears make things also blurry too), but I’m thankful there’s a physical copy of the funeral message, so that I can share and also for my memory.
Here are some of the words of comfort from the funeral that Pastor Dave shared with us:
“Each person is God’s gift to us and brings a special significance. Each of you will remember Raymond differently, depending on your relationship. But regardless of your relationship, he will continue to be a part of each of you as you remember him and reflect upon the impact he has made on your lives. The loss of a loved one also brings a profound pain that is very personal and is something that each person experiences differently. It is especially difficult when our loved one leaves so unexpectedly. The Bible tells us “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)” He is our source of comfort during times of loss.
At this time we will turn our thoughts to God and seek the comfort and understanding that He can bring at times like these.
The basic message of the Bible is that God loves you and me. God wen to great lengths to demonstrate his love for us. This is most clearly stated in the words of John 3:16– “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
The person who places their trust in the Lord receives the promise of eternal life. We also see that Jesus prepares a place in eternity for all who put their trust in Him. Jesus assures us––”In my Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come back to take you to be with me so that you also may be where I am.”
Jesus goes on to tell us how we can find our way to our eternal home. He says, “I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except thru me.” We see that Jesus Himself will come back to take us to the place He has prepared.
Jesus prepares a place in eternity for all who put their trust in Him. The person who places their trust in the Lord receives the promise of eternal life. Jesus promises that ” Everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.”
Two weeks before his earthly life ended, Raymond made the decision to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. Because of Raymond’s faith in the Lord, he has the assurance of eternal life, and he is home now with Jesus and he no longer is in any pain and is no longer suffering. He is in that place in heaven prepared for especially for him by Jesus.”
I know one day I will see my dad again in heaven. That’s the hope that I rest on.
Day 5
I’m thankful for my friends who have lost their parents too because we’re able to support each other in our grief journey. I actually have 3 girl friends that have lost their parents a few days before and after my dad’s passing. With these friends, I’m to celebrate and honor our parents during this time.
Last weekend, I celebrated the anniversaries of our parents over a sweet treat at Uni Soufflé with one of the 3 girl friends. We share pictures of our families and stories. I’m reminded that I’m not alone in this journey and it’s always sweeter (not bittersweet) to walk alongside a good friend.
Day 6
My dad was an athlete in his glory days. He was a runner and a ping pong champion. He ran on the track team in high school and college. Growing up, we had a ping pong table in our garage. In our house, he had a a cabinet that displayed all of his trophies. He was proud of his accomplishments. I never picked up on any his sports. He never pushed my sister and I to play any sports either.
On New Year’s Day in 2019, I ran my first 5K. It was goal of mine to run a 5K and I did it in honor of my dad. The closet thing I gotten to being a ping pong player was being a tennis player. I played on my high school tennis team. I wouldn’t say I’m picked up his genes in athleticism or earn any trophies like he did, but I can say I tried. I’m sure he’d be proud of effort.
Day 7
I started my blog Light Shine Brightly and debut it to the world on Valentine’s day back in 2017. I chose Valentine’s day to debut my blog because that was the day that my family and I buried my dad and this was a way to honor him. My blog was my new found voice and the ray of hope after the storm. My blog gave me a platform to inspire others to shine brightly in their lives even when others go through difficult time.
One blog entry that I’d like to share comes from the entry titled, “One Word” where I remembered my dad’s death in the the post. (You can also read this blog post when you click on the link. Feel free to read other blog entries. I hope my writing encourages your heart.)
New Year’s Resolutions:
Every year, I made new year’s resolutions hoping to make great changes in myself, but I could never keep it by the end of the year. As a result, I stopped creating them. In my world, new year’s resolutions were only wishful thinking.
Joy:
During 2014, my dad passed away from cancer, which was the hardest time of my life. I didn’t have any emotional capacity, so my goal that year was to survive and get through each day. By the end of the year, I succeeded at my goal, but at the same time I was tired of the grief and decided I needed to change. I felt like grief robbed so many parts of myself such as confidence and joy to a point where I didn’t even recognize who I was or who I was becoming. For the new year of 2015, I chose to focus on finding joy in the midst of emotional pain.
This joy didn’t come instantly because I decided I wanted it, but it was something that I had to be intentional about. When I thought of my dad, he was always a grateful person. Therefore, I decided I’m going to be thankful like him, so I started a thanksgiving jar where I wrote down my a thanksgiving each day on a slip of paper and put it into my jar. By the end of the year, I had a jar full of thanksgiving and gratefulness filled my heart. While doing that, I also thanked people who have helped me overcome the darkness and shined light into my life. By the end of the year, my mourning turned into joy.
Hope:
Because I realized how I was able to successfully live out my chosen word for 2015, I committed to continue this tradition for the following year. As I pondered a new word for 2016, I noticed my potted pea plants had grown over the winter time, which I planted in fall and neglected until the new year. I was surprised that peas would grow and flourish in such cold winter weather. I saw hope in my peas, so that I wanted my word to be hope for 2016. I wanted to see hope in regaining the parts of myself that I had lost to my dad’s death.
Confidence was one of the biggest losses. In the beginning of 2016, I joined a grief support group called Grief Share because I needed to be around people who truly understood how I was feeling. In this group, I walked alongside acquaintances, who now I call friends, with hope that we would heal our broken hearts. I opened up like I never did before and found my inner voice again. By the end of the 4 months with the group, I felt like I was on top of the world as my new confidence arose. As 2016 concluded, I saw hope in myself in many ways that I never expected.
Adventure:
When 2017 rolled around the corner, I started thinking of a new word for this year. I was at a retreat and the word, adventure, popped out at me when I saw it in many different places around the property. Then, I thought about what would adventure look like in my life. If you’d ask me to go bungee jumping or skydiving, I’d think you’re crazy and would never put my life in danger. At the same time, I’m not the most cautious person who must think twice about everything decision. When I think of adventure, trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone come to my mind, I want to be more courageous; thus, I picked the word, adventure, for 2017.
My biggest adventure so far has been starting this blog. Though might not seem as thrilling as bungee jumping or skydiving, there’s the other exciting side such as sharing my stories and being vulnerable in my writing. On top of that, learning how to create a website has been a challenging journey. Despite that, I am enjoying this new adventure.
What’s your word for 2017? I hope you will think of a word for this year! Even though it’s mid-February, it’s not too late to choose a word for the year. Like I would say, it’s better to try than never at all.
Day 8
My dad’s favorite meal is lobster, which we only cooked on his birthday or Father’s Day. Thank goodness that cooking lobster tails is one of the easiest meal to cook- just broil for 10 minutes in the oven and it’s a satisfying meal for my dad. My dad was easy to please when it comes to cooking. Growing up, my dad loved to cook soups. He made all different kinds of Chinese soups and one that we made together was ox tail soup. I also remember whenever I cooked a meal for him, he would enjoy the meal and say, “I think you should open up a restaurant.” “No dad, I’m not going to open up a restaurant” was always my response. I’m not that passionate about cooking to open up a restaurant, but I enjoy cooking for others especially during the holidays. I was inspired to figure out how to bake a turkey and now, I make it every thanksgiving for friends and family. The secret is brining the turkey. Now, I’ve also mastered prime rib this year. I remembered cooking it one Christmas for my dad and I overcooked it. Boy, did my dad have a lot to say about my prime rib. I finally overcame hard criticism from years ago to try it over the holidays this year. This year was a success finally! It’s too bad my dad haven’t tried my best tasting prime rib. Well, I’m sure heaven has better food.
Day 9
Whenever I want to connect with my dad, I write cards to him. I usually write during the holidays. It’s always special to go down the card aisle and pick out a special card for my dad. By writing a card, it’s like speaking to him face to face. This is the closest I can get to talking to my dad besides getting to talk to him one day in heaven.
Dear Dad,
I ❤️ you back to the moon and back and I’m grateful for you. I miss you and I will see you one day in heaven.
❤️, Angie
Day 10
Today, I spent time reading some of the cards that I wrote. It’s a reminder to remember my dad, who I was as a person at that time, and what happened during that time.
Here’s a card that I wrote on Father’s Day of last year:
Dear Dad,
Happy Father’s Day! Today would have been your first Father’s Day as a grandpa. You would have loved holding Maddie in your arms and letting her sit in your lap. You would have loved to hear her laugh and see that cute smile. I wished you had a chance to meet her, but y oh can only look down from heaven. Hopefully, one day we can all reunite as one family.
I pick up this card on Dec 2019. I never finished writing in this card since June this year, but I don’t want to wait another year to complete it. Better late than never. I feel like this year has been about playing catch up. I can’t keep up with time and the holidays just pass on by. I am prepared with this card, but I seem to be too busy to sit down and pause. I am reminded to just stop and pause and be reminded of what matters most in life. It is definitely not chasing life or things. I am tired of that life. I want to live in the present, enjoying every moment when it comes, not making up for moments which I feel like I’m doing. I’m sorry for having to do this and catch up in remembering you. None the less, I remember you today as if it was Father’s Day, appreciating you doe who you were and hopefully living out your legacy.
Love, Angie
Day 11
The day that my mom and I came back from Arizona was the day we took my dad to the ER in mid-December of 2013. In the hospital, the doctors broke the news to us that my dad had lung cancer after running a bunch of tests. Cancer was a scary word, but what was even scarier was when the case manager told us be prepared to plan his funeral the following day in the hospital. I was in shock about cancer and to add planning for a funeral was too much for my mind to handle. Death was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I’ve seen people die and even went to funerals before, but there’s something different when it’s my own parent or someone closely related to me.
Cancer took my dad’s life away in a short month and a half from the time we found out he had cancer. During the time he was in the hospital and nursing home, it was the most stressful time of my life. He needed help from nurses, mostly because he was so uncomfortable, but there wasn’t enough nurse around. My job was to flag down a nurse, but I felt so helpless trying to find one. On a side note, I have much respect and thankful for nurses and doctors- those in medical profession. His health declined day by day growing weaker. His body became fragile and by the end he was skin and bones.
During that time, I felt like a hot mess. My energy was drained and I operated under stress. I could barely take care of myself let alone take care of myself. While I was taking care of my dad, my church family covered me in prayers. There were moments when I didn’t have the strength to pray, so I sent out an email asking my friends to pray for me. They did just that by replying back to my email with prayers and telling me that they were praying for my family and I. This helped me to hang on to the last strand hope when life seemed hopeless.
I’m thankful for God for listening to our prayers. We asked God to save my dad from cancer, but God said no. Instead, he answered our prayers for my dad’s salvation. My dad accepted Jesus into his heart 2 weeks before he passed away. Though I’d like for him to be present physically, I’m grateful I can see him one day in heaven where we can live eternally.
Day 12
Today’s the day that I don’t have anything new to share and feeling a little down today. Maybe it’s from yesterday’s heavy post. Or perhaps, it’s just part of grief and I don’t have energy to share anything. I was going to take a day off from sharing, but I found this in my Facebook memory.
A memory from 2015:
Happy early Valentine’s Day for my mom and dad. My dad always bought flowers for my mom on Valentine’s Day, but this year will be my first year to be her valentine. My dad’s favorite was lobster and seafood, so this dinner was a way to honor him. My mom noted that my dad would have loved tonight’s dinner. I love my parents.
Day 13
Today, I had a daddy daughter date at the lake. Somehow, my dad led me to this perfect bench as all the other benches were occupied. I know this was the bench that my dad was waiting for me because it had a heart with an “A” in it. The bench had a plaque that said, “renew your spirit here as we have ours.” I renewed my spirit remembering my dad with my journal and looking out in a distance with the sun shimmering into the water.
Yesterday, I wrote in my journal that I felt lost and confused about life. I remember that feeling when my dad passed away of how I lost a huge part of myself. I lost my voice to express myself and my self confidence. I’ve come a long way since then, mainly rebuilding parts of myself that was lost.
Today, as I continued to reflect and write, I don’t think I’m lost, but rather missing that gentleness and tenderness of my dad. My dad was never hard on or put pressure on me. He had a kind and gentle spirit. He was rather easy going and light hearted.
I admit that I’ve been rather hard on myself for the past year or so because I set high expectations for myself. I’d like to have more self kindness and I’m learning to be more loving towards myself. Since my dad’s passing, I don’t have anyone to remind me of that. I’ve only learned the hard way of failing or falling flat on my face and trying to pick myself up. It has been a hard lesson to learn, but sometimes, I have to learn the hard way.
Today, I remember that I have a Heavenly Father who is the most gentle and patient father. Though my earthly father is no longer present to guide and comfort me, I have a Heavenly Father to do that and also love me unconditionally. I am reminded that my Heavenly Father is able to renew my spirit everyday.
Day 14
Today is the last day that I remember my dad on social media. Thank you again for journeying with me as I face grief and honor my dad for the past 14 days. It has been hard posting on some days and enjoyable on other days to remember my dad, but most of all, it has been encouraging and healing to receive the support that I have through my friends on the internet. What I’ve learned through these past 14 days (and I hope you learned something too not only about my dad or me but also about yourself) that:
1) Grief is not a journey to go alone. Let people come alongside you.
2) We can all support each other through the good, bad, and ugly.
3) Take time to pause and reflect. It’s ok to take a break.
Thank you to everyone who read and/or commented on my posts. You have shown me much kindness and love. That means a lot to me.
Today is Valentine’s Day a day of love and celebration and it’s also the day that my family buried my dad. Of all the days, somehow Valentine’s Day was chosen of all days, maybe it was signify how much my dad loved us and we wanted to love and honor him. I remembered this was the day that I let go of my strong exterior and allowed myself to be weak. I was tired of being strong for everyone else in the family by being the pillar of strength. I remembered as I stood in front of hole in the ground, tears streamed down my cheek enough to fill that hole. My uncle gave a speech as we all stood with a rose in one hand and that was when I felt like I lost everything. I had nothing more to give except that red rose. So, I dropped a red rose into the hole and said my last good bye to my dad.
About two years later was when I received my voice and strength back to be whole again. I tried really hard to find myself again and create a new identity, which was not an easy journey, but I did it! Because of that and a year later, I wanted to encourage and inspire others and that was how my blog, Light Shine Brightly, was born. It debuted on Valentine’s Day in 2017. Happy 3rd birthday to Light Shine Brightly!
Valentine’s day may be a day that’s full of happiness and love. Though today may be a commercial holiday, what makes Valentine’s day better than flowers and candy is two simple words: THANK YOU. This was something that my dad exemplified and he always thanked me for the little and big things in life. That helped me to be a more grateful person and not take life and others for granted.
As my gift to you whether you are a follower of my blog or not, I created a Valentine’s Day & Thank You card to appreciate the people you love.
Click here for the valentine’s card below: Happy Valentine’s Day!
